the kitchen is cold but the coffee is warm and the sun's coming up. the day has just begun and you're already bored. bored of cheering me up, bored of calming me down. bored of drying my eyes. but there once was a time when you were the one. you were the one, the blue of the sky. you came aftr the storm. you were the swtich on the wall in the dark of the hall i'm still fumbling for.

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everybody does stupid things. it shouldn't cost them everything they want in life.

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i hate how we never hang out anymore and how we were great friends.
i hate how you'll never flirt with me, but then you'll flirt with my best friends.
i hate how whenever i see you, you don't see me.
i hate when i have soemthing to say online, your only response is, "cool".
and boy do i hate it when you make me smile.

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"whats worse than wanting something you can't have? it's not knowing what you want. wishing on all the stars in the sky for the answers to your questions, for something to believe in; someone to hold. having absolutely no control over yourself, being caught up in a place you wish you were miles away from. being stuck somewhere between the past and the future, nowher near where you should be - in the present. stuck in yesterday's and tomorrows, so far from home, far from everything you know and love. the uncertainy could tear you to bits."

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don't attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention just simply because you're lonely. loneliness is the human condition. no one is ever going to fill that space. no matter how bady you might want them to.

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turn up the radio and sing your lungs out. 'cause kid, this is it and this is all it ever will be. so get used to it, suck it up, and just live your life.

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nothing is as smile as we hope it will be.
-jim horning

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it's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies.
the only variable is about what.

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our days would be happier if we gave people a little bit of  our hearts rather than a piece of our minds.

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no matter how thin you slice it, there is always two sides.

i miss being able to count on you.

note:

hey subbers,
sorry i haven't updated in a while, a lot has been going on and i haven't been in the mood.
lack of comments suck.
-canileavenowplease

so, not that anyone really cares about my problems but i'm going to list them out.
- being in love with my ex-boyfriend still
- going out with this guy that i only like sometimes
- my boyfriend wants to beat up my best friend 'cause he kissed me, as a joke on the cheek. like honestly now.
- my best friend hates my guts.  
- my other best friend isn't home for me to talk to him :(

i need to change.
oh my.

i guess by now i should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone, you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence.

-

for what i put you through, for the harsh words and hurtful names i called you..i'm sorry. for being so naive, for not seeing something so so obvious. for pushing you aside and for hurting you, i'm sorry. for accusing you of forcing all this mess on me and for blaming you, when truthfully it was no-one's fault but my very own. i'm sorry.

-

it's funny sometimes, how one small thing can trigger some of the most agonizing feelings, memories, emotions. it's horrible, just when you think you've escaped it all, thrown it away and left it all behind you the feelings creep back up unannounced and turn you upside down and inside out.

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this is not a love story.
it is a story about love.

-

some people don't know how to fall in love, like not knowing how to swim. they panic first when they jump in, then they figure it out.

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i am always sad, i think.
perhaps this signifies that i am not sad at all.
because sadness is something lower than your normal disposition.
and i am always the same thing.
perhaps i am the only person in the world, then, you never become sad.
perhaps i am lucky.

hello, it's me again. a whole lot's changed since i left.
and i don't know. i guess i felt like checking in.

note:

so, heres the thing.
i need to stop comparing my ex-boyfriend to my new one.
i need to try to love my new one.
and to forget my old one completely. 
the thing is, this is more difficult than it seems.

sorry for the lack of updates guys i've been busy.
comment and sub :)

i like living. i have sometimes been wildy, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all, i know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.

what's the worst you could feel and you only need a friend, but you say, it isn't me.

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it's never easy, regardless of the season.

why can't you just love me like you love your fucking drugs, you tell me that you hate it but you never get enough.

people are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. love them anyway.
if you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. do good anyway.
if you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. succeed anyway.
the good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. do good anyway.
honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. be honest and frank anyway.
the biggest person with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind. think big anyway.
what you spend years building may be detroyed overnight. build anyway.
people really need help but may attack if you help them. help people anyway.
give the world the best you have and you might get kicked in the teeth.
give the world the best you have anyway.

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if you don't, i'll start drinking, like the way i drank before and i just won't have a future anymore.

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you little shit, you're in it now i hope they throw away the key. you should have talked to me more often than you did, but no! you had to go your own way, have you broken any homes up lately?

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reason with yourself when you have lost your reason.

cheer up and dry your damp eyes and tell me when it rains.
and i'll blend up that rainbow about you and shoot it through your veins.
'cause your heart has a lack of color and we should've known,
that we'd grow up sooner or later 'cause we wasted all our free time alone.

note:

somehow, my crush has developed into a relationship.
i still don't know if this is a good thing.
comment and sub :)
hope you all enjoy.

"i lie a lot. little lies like: no i don't even like that boy, or no mom, i'm not blogging, i'm doing homework. little lies that make me feel a little bad. i have to lie about where and when and why and whose bowl is in the drawer in my room. it's exhausting. i wish i could let the truth spill from my lips, pouring out like smoke when i fail at the french inhale, spreading around, not caring what everyone thinks. i'd like to burn my empathy and self consciousness."

when i'm losing my control, the city spins around,
you're the only one who knows, you slow it down.

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i'm drunk, you're still not good enough.

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all i know is you don't just give up on people like that.
this was an all or nothing deal and you gave me nothing.
but i gave you everything. all of me.

besides the darker the walls inside, the brighter the walls inside.

-

be polite at all times - even when drawing your gun.

i am one of the searchers. there are, i believe, a million of us. we are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. we continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. we continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. we like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing notion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. we like forests and moutains, deserts and hidden rivers and the lonely cities as well. our sadness is as much a part of out lives as is our laughter. to share our sadness with one we love is perhaps a great a joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter.

-

maybe for once it's not about a happy ending - it's about the story.

-

and remember what it felt like to be alone,
sitting in the sunlight all alone.

note:

i think i've developed a crush.
i haven't had a crush i've been aloud to act on in about two and a half years.
crazy?
oh yes.

comment and subscribe people :D

i miss you, it's that simple and complicated.

i remember when i used to be the happiest loudest, spunkiest person alive. nothing could get me down for very long. i smiled all the time and laughed nonstop. i still get glimpses of that girl sometimes, but not very often, and i have to say, i really miss her.

- 

you bite your lip; you keep pretending that you're made of stone. you never let it show, but darling, everybody knows. 

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things don't get lost if tey don't have value.
you don't miss what you don't care about.

if she's amazing, she won't be easy. if she's easy, she won't be amazing. if she's worth it, you won't give up. if you give up, you're not worthy.

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without trust, everything falls apart.

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sometimes, smiling doesn't mean happiness at all. because maybe it's just a way of sayig, "i can manage." but sometimes, smiling is just a way of saying "i'm tired of crying."

i won't give up and i won't break down. sooner than it seems life turns around, and i will be strong even if it all does wrong. when i'm standing in the dark i'll still believe, someone's watching over me.

-

it's amazing, because when you're a kid, you see the life you want. and it never crosses your mind that it isn't going to turn out that way.

note: 

if we went around not caring about anything, we'd never get hurt.
i cared about him, and tried to forget him, and i still got hurt.
i asked him if he missed me, and he killed my outlook on him by saying i don't know.
i wish i had never cared. i wouldn't be hurt.
it's gonna be a while before i care again i'd say.
and forgetting is hard. right now, i find it impossible not to think about him - fucker.

comment and sub people :D loves reading the comments.  

dear ex boyfriend:
take your trombone and shove it up your ass :)
maybe that will trust you. 'cause i don't think it will fall apart in your big ass.
asshole.
-yours, your ex-best friend.
thanks for nothing.